Strong Families, Happy Kids

A few days ago, my two-year-old Kira was playing with a little shark squirt toy. Try as she might, she couldn’t get the hang of filling it up underwater. She began to whine. “Do you need help?” I asked. “You can say, ‘Mama, I need help.’”

We’re trying to teach her to ask for help before she breaks down. It’s a work in progress.

I’ve noticed lately that it’s not just my two-year-old who needs to work on this. Asking for help is a struggle for most adults, too. Myself included.

Why is that?

Prevent Child Abuse Arizona Executive Director Claire Louge recently celebrated ten years with the organization and reflected on what she’s learned during her tenure. We’re sharing her reflections here to help spread awareness of child abuse prevention, including how it’s changed, what’s working, and what the future holds.

Human beings make assumptions. That’s just how our brains work.

We take stock of what we’ve experienced and use that to make predictions about what will happen.

Assumptions are useful tools. If we have a gap in information, we’ll fill it with an assumption. We can even make up whole stories with one small piece of information, like a comment or a facial expression. Assumptions help us make quick choices in our fast-paced world.

The problem with assumptions, of course, is that they can be wrong, or partially wrong. And whether they’re wrong or right, assumptions shape how we choose to act towards others.

Choices based on false assumptions can be destructive.

It’s spring, which means the Prescott area is once again painted with all the rainbow colors, thanks to the blooming of so many wildflowers. Part of what makes this season unique is that the flowers have spent the winter dormant. They’ve been resting.

What if we could take a note from nature and permit ourselves to rest, too? We need to free ourselves from the tyranny of productivity, especially as the weather warms up and many activities resume.

My dear friend Emma, who works as an elementary school teacher in Detroit and lives her life with exemplary reflectiveness, shared a quote with me years ago that continues to resonate with me:

“Be patient with yourself. Nothing in nature blooms all year.”

A few months ago, I had a checkup with my new primary care provider, who asked me a series of routine questions about my health habits. When she asked about exercise, I told her I ran about four miles, two or three times a week.

“How long does that take you?” she asked.

“About 30 minutes,” I replied.

“Well,” she said, “for heart health, you should be exercising at least 45 minutes.”

I raised my eyebrows. She went on to her next question. I chuckled to myself.

My father, who is French, had an expression he used in my childhood moments of impatience: “Forcer, c’est casser.” It translates to “To force is to break.”

At the beginning of the pandemic, when everyone was trying to get their bearings with lockdowns, work and life disruptions, and constantly changing information, a post circulated around social media that went something like this:

A choir is able to sustain a very long note not because everyone holds the note at the same time, but because singers take breaths when they need to, and then join back in.

Our work as parents (and as employees!) is like that too. In the effort not just to keep your family unit running, but also to strengthen it, you may feel like things will fall apart if you take a break or time away. It may even feel irresponsible to take a break when there’s so much at stake.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what it takes to be a good leader, and how that crosses over into parenting. In conversations with leaders I admire, I’ve realized there’s one quality I respect most of all, and I believe this quality might be the most defining characteristic of a good leader … and a good parent.

When I write “leader,” I’m not necessarily referring to someone with a leadership title. A leader is someone who takes accountability for making a positive difference in the lives of others—and isn’t that what we do as parents?

So what is this quality? First, I’ll tell you what it’s not: It’s not charisma, confidence, knowledge, or vision.

It’s amazing how powerful a simple affirmation can be. Think about a time when a verbal nudge from a friend, family member, or colleague has encouraged you to take a leap into something new.

There’s a frequently cited quote by Mr. Rogers that’s often used to excavate the good from crises or tragedies. He told us to “Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.”

He’s so right. But not everyone gets the kind of compassion that I experienced when they face a crisis. It is not just that we help. It is how we help. By offering help in a way that is understanding, kind, and nonjudgmental, we can be the difference between something painfully hard and something that’s hard, but doable.

This past November, Prevent Child Abuse America celebrated its 50-year anniversary in Chicago. The celebration included a discussion with Dr. Bruce Perry, who is a member of the board, and Oprah Winfrey, who is, well, Oprah.

As is quite typical of her, in her address to the crowd, Oprah said something deeply meaningful. She talked about one thing that all children need. It’s simple. It’s free. It takes only a second. And it’s the best gift that we can give to kids in our lives, all year round. It’s also the best gift we can give to each other.

Positive Child Experiences, also known as PCEs, are advantageous or benevolent childhood experiences that promote positive development and resilience among youth. Researchers have found that positive experiences can protect kids from the negative long-term effects of trauma and Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs), leading them to become healthier, happier adults.

So how do we, as a community, create more PCEs for all of our youth?